Good Enough for Me

I’m back again and I’ll be honest, I’ve sat here for over an hour wondering what to write. At first I was convinced I had my first serious bout of writers block. After searching the internet for ideas of what to write and perusing many 30-day writing challenges, I realised I don’t have writers block. I could think of countless ideas for a blog post to add to the lists I had been reading.  So if ideas aren’t my problem why am I not just getting on with the writing? There was a time when I was new to blogging where I would write most days.  I’d put on the laptop and tap away until I had something I was proud of, I’d post it and that was that.

I just read my last blog January Blues over again and was struck at just how doom and gloom it was. I’ve realised what’s wrong. I’ve lost my bottle. My confidence is a little low at the moment and I feel that although I could write something, I don’t know if it would be any good. In order to knock that on the head I’ve came up with a positive response to each line of the poem:

January Blues

That’s what they are and it’s not unusual. Many people are a little blue at this time of year.

Nothing fits

Because I ate too much at Christmas. Scrap that, I ate too much from August to January and didn’t exercise enough. However, I did walk daily and lose 35lbs this year. I am in (slightly) better shape than I was this time last year. Just need to get back on the healthy lifestyle bus now and feel better about myself. Oh, and try not to jump off and get lost again!

Too much booze

Too harsh on myself. This year I dramatically cut my alcohol intake from several bottles of wine a week to about two a month and only on nights out with friends. This was a major achievement after years of regular evenings of drinking ‘to relax’. I did drink more during the festive season but I had more social events. Again, get back on track.

Liver in bits

See above. I didn’t actually get drunk once during the festive season, but felt guilty that I’d been drinking more than my usual.

Feeling flat

It’s January I had been around people for weeks with no time alone. I need “me time” and I honestly think I was feeling mentally drained with having people here. I’m a dreamer and like to process my thoughts when I’m alone. I also need to process those thoughts through my writing and I couldn’t do that.

Need to change

Do I? I like me. Ok, I’ve been questioning my career choices recently but things are going well for this stage in my life. We are financially comfortable enough for me to be home to see my child grow up. I am earning decent money working from home for only 12 hours a week, with children whose innocence and wonderment brighten my days. I’m managing to do a Fast track college course for 2 hours a week, when really it’s usually 2.5 days a week. I’m beginning to secure some paid writing work during the days when the children are at school. Oh, and I have a three day weekend every week!

I’m not “all that”

That’s the problem when you start to question yourself and compare yourself to others. The thing is though, I don’t want my friends fancy job. She has to drive for three hours a day and catch the red eye to London most weeks. She’s flat out and stressed.  I don’t want to commute at all. Although I admire my other friend with her beautiful figure, but I know that when I lose weight (and I will) I’m better looking than her. I actually just wrote that (and would never dream of saying it in real life)! Then there’s my husband, we’ve been together for 18 years and although we’ve had a few tough times, we love each other. Most of my friends are single or divorced. I should count my blessings.

Must rearrange

As above. My life is fine for the moment. I have a plan and in two years I’ll be making some changes with regards to career. There are some things I needed to be more organized with around the house but I’ve made great progress this week.

Where to start?

I’ve written a TO DO list and I’m getting through it.

Fix what’s wrong

The things that are wrong are external and most are out with my control. I can’t control the health of others, and there is only so much I can do to help. I’ll do what I can but I’m not willing to let it get to me.

What’s at the heart?

Mainly the external stuff out with my control, as mentioned previously.

Must play along

For some part I do and it’s quite difficult when you feel like a puppet on a string and the puppet master is someone you don’t really like. This too shall pass. I will however make some plans to ensure my free time this coming year isn’t completely mapped out for me.

Same every year

It’s not – I was just feeling sorry for myself!

Am I enough?

YES I AM! I like me and I’m sure others like me too. I’m nice, but with a new realization that I can still be nice but not allow people to walk over me.

Is that my fear?

I believe everyone has doubts sometimes and I was feeling it when I wrote this. I’m enough. I’m enough, I’m enough!

Should it be this tough?

It’s not tough. I really don’t know the half of it. My life is a bed of roses compared to many, many people and I should remember to be grateful for this. I was reminded of this when I read a lovely fellow bloggers page today. This person has some real struggles and yet still remains positive and grateful for what he has.

I could alter

Yes I could and no doubt I will. It’s fun to alter and I do it regularly. There is no hurry though and I want to follow the path I’m setting out on at the moment. May take another route down the line but that’s ok too.

Be career driven

When I was a little girl I wanted to be the following:

Writer

Journalist

Marry a rich man and not work (feminism hadn’t reached me yet – I was 7)

Work with children

I work with children. I write. I didn’t marry a rich man and I’m fine with that one.

No longer falter

I’m not faltering. Parts of my life sometimes falter, but this is life and it’s not meant to be easy.

My life’s not “a given”

Nobodies life is a given. Who knows when our time is up? I’ll make the most of my health whilst I can.

Be more attractive

That’s shallow. There is not that much wrong with the way I look. I’m not going to appear on the cover of Vogue but I don’t want to anyway.

Try more

I need to give myself more credit. I give a lot to my work, family and the people around me. I’ve noted that my housekeeping isn’t the best and I’m working on it. The truth is, I don’t place much importance in housework. My house is gleaming right now though and I’ve cleared the spare room. That’s progress!

Eat well, be active

Yes I’ve taken baby steps with this again as I appreciate the physical and mental benefits.

Shouldn’t be a chore

It shouldn’t and it never is when I start. I mustn’t stop this time though.

Pristine house

It’s always clean, if a little untidy in the cupboards. It’s a big house so I’m not beating myself up over it.

Much screwing

Haha! Well I could make more of an effort but it’s not dead. This improves with the lifestyle changes anyway.

Attentive spouse

I am, but could try harder – as could he.  I’m no Stepford wife though.

No tensions brewing

It’s those external influences again and I’m trying to help when he accepts it.

Dinner on the table

I’ve batch cooked several dinners for the next few weeks. Should write a blog on this as it may just change my life (well, dinner time anyway).

Super organised

I’m trying and getting better. I don’t really need to be super organised. Organised will do. I used to be  PA to the director of a company and was super organised. I can’t muster the effort to file my mail now – but I’m trying.

Rarely unstable

I am rarely unstable, although probably a little unstable when I wrote this. Remember, I was into the second week with people around me constantly. This throws me off kilter.  

Never despised

I am rarely despised and when unkind words are said to me I have the self-confidence to question them and defend myself.

I could be improved

I believe we all change by the day. Improved? Not sure about that, but certainly different.

Being better’s the key

I AM GOOD ENOUGH

I’d be approved

If people don’t approve then they’ll have to deal with it. This is me and I approve!

But I wouldn’t ME

Indeed.

 

I enjoyed this little exercise and hopefully my writing mojo will be back soon.

 

26 thoughts on “Good Enough for Me

  1. Lovely post Beth. I have been down the road you are traveling. Of course every road is different for each of us but the consequences of choice are about the same. I am now 73, my children all graduated university, are married and raising my grand children. You will make it. A little advice from an old lady. If you like yourself and you are happy doing what your doing then you will be fine in the end. You might not win every battle but you will win the war. Happy New Year. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I missed you! 😦 It’s good to see you back and more positive. I wish you the best of luck in achieving your goals and YES you’re ALWAYS ENOUGH. No matter what happens, no matter where you go, no matter who you’re with, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, December was really hard for me and I found writing to be virtually impossible. I can really relate to this post! All the feelings can really be overwhelming (and swamp me). I think breaking it all down like this is a great idea – I’ll have to give it a try! Pulling for you – hope you kick some January butt!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m constantly amazed and impressed by your ability to express your raw emotions in wonderful poetry.

    I read this post before the prior post you reference and am glad I did. I think there’s the truth we feel from our emotions — this seems to always come first — then the truth we understand from logic.

    You’ve got a lot of good perspective and fight!

    Like

  5. Get out of my mind! Seriously, you expressed everything many things I’ve felt at the start of the year.
    The weight, needing me time, writer’s block, needing to process thoughts before writing, loving myself, and so much more!

    I enjoyed learning more about you and wish you the best on your journey of life! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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